Colossians 3:18,19
by Dr. Grant C. Richison
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Colossians 3:18
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."
Paul now turns to relationships within families. The Bible shows us how
to relate within the family. First, the role of the wife. This is not going
to be the greatest day for feminists! There are no loopholes for feminists
here. This is not a Swiss cheese day!
A couple riding the car had not spoken for some time. Riding Sunday afternoon
in the country side the husband spotted two mules and says, "Some of
your relatives?" She was equal to the occasion and said, "Yes,
on my husband's side!!" Sometimes holy wedlock becomes holy deadlock!
The biblical answer is for the partners in marriage to function in their
roles.
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"Wives, submit to your own husbands"
We live in an egalitarian age. The assumptions of this philosophy are so
strong that it is difficult for people to think objectively outside this
system in our culture. The idea of a wife submitting to her husband is
foreign to freedom, democracy and any sense of fairness to our generation.
God does not limit this command to the first century because he states it
as a principle without qualification. The idea of submission is not derogatory
to our persons because Jesus himself submitted himself to the Father (I
Cor. 11:3). It obviously does not mean inferiority but merely relates to
the function of role. Also, Paul goes back to the principle of divine institution
in creation (I Tim. 2:13).
"Submit" is the same word used to express our duty to government
officials (Rom. 13:1). "Submission" is an issue of respect (Eph.
5:24,33). Adam was the first in creation and last in transgression (I Tim.
2:13,14). This creation principle is also found in I Cor. 11:3,8,9 where
the male is set forth as head of the wife by the will of God. This submission
is not to a rigorous tyrant but to her own husband.
The word "submit" was a military term meaning to rank under.
In this case the wife is to arrange her life under her husband's. Other
uses outside of the husband-wife relation are found in Lk. 2:51; 10:17,20;
Rom. 8:7, 20; 10:3; 13:1,5; I Cor. 14:34; 15:27,28; 16:16; Eph. 1:22; 5:24
(the church); Phil. 3:21; Tit. 2:5,9; 3:1; Heb. 2:5; 2:8; I Pet. 2:13, 18;
3:22; 5:5.
The word "submit" does not mean to obey but rather to surrender
one's rights or will. The idea of voluntary subordination (e.g. of Jesus
to his parents, Lk. 2:51). The word does not convey inferiority of personhood.
It means to maintain God's order. It does not connote a misogynist idea
of forcing women to make accommodations. This attaches ideas foreign to
the meaning of the word and adds more to the meaning of the word that is
warranted.
The command "to submit" is based on the positive volition of the
wife. Paul is challenging wives to defer to their husbands. The wife is
no slave. She is not to be ordered about by her husband. The Bible views
her as a partner (Gen. 2:18-23). She is the husband's complement. They
make decisions together.
PRINCIPLE: Role is a matter of position, not person.
APPLICATION: In government authority of role is important for the administration
of the country. Even the trinity functions under roles. The Son submits
to the Father and the Holy Spirit to the Son.
A woman may have greater IQ or personality. Capacity is not an issue of
role. Both male and female hold equal position before God (Gal. 3:28).
Role relates to the organization of the family.
A person who exercises their will voluntarily is in a place of power. The
wife's ultimate authority is God. If the husband requests her to do something
outside of God's will for her, she has the biblical right to reject the
husband's request.
She does what she does for the sake of the Lord. She does not submit to
avoid a fearful situation such as her husband's anger, silence or criticism.
Nor does she submit to her husband for appearance sake; she does it for
the Lord. If he beats her or threatens her life, she obeys a greater command
to protect her body. She must leave him under that situation because it
is the Lord's will that she respect her body.
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"as is fitting in the Lord"
The qualification to submission is "as it is fitting in the Lord."
The Bible does not command submission under all circumstances. Her first
priority is to the Lord. There is an analogy here to government. The Bible
limits the wife's obedience to government (Rom. 13:1; Tit. 3:1; I Pet. 2:13)
to her priority to God. Scripture does not bind the wife to her husband
if he asks her something that disagrees with Scripture.
It is a becoming relation to submit to a husband because it is obedience
to the Lord. The word "fitting" means what is proper or right.
It is fit; it is right; it is proper. Submission of the wife is self-evident
from reason. This is true without appeal to experience. This is essential
to social and domestic order and welfare. There is an order of authority
in creation. The Father obeys it. The Son obeys it. All nature observes
it.
"In the Lord" -- If you do not like this command, take your complaint
to the Lord. Note Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your own husbands,
as to the Lord." How much is the wife to submit? As she would submit
to the Lord! If a wife is not submissive to the Lord she will not submit
herself to her husband. The ratio is "as to the Lord." The wife
may say, "Well, I don't know why I should do this. I am smarter than
he is." "So let the wives be to their husbands in everything"
(Eph. 5:23). The girl says, "Everything? I think I will stay single!"
PRINCIPLE: It is befitting to God's order of things that a wife fulfill
her God-given role.
APPLICATION: Submission does not mean that a woman is not equal to the husband.
God addresses the word "submission" to men as well as women.
Thus it is not a sexist word in the Word of God. God wants all Christians
to submit to one another. Jesus submitted himself to the Father. Therefore,
submission has nothing to do with inferiority. If the wife does not uphold
and support her husband and recognize his leadership role in God's order,
chaos will result.
God makes this command to wives, not husbands! God has his command to the
husband in the next verse.
Whether the marriage is good or bad it is still part of God's established
order. Both husband and wife enter it with their free will. Freedom is
the basis for entering marriage. Ignorance is never an excuse, "I
did not know he was such a monster."
The husband is the established authority under the laws of divine order.
Any woman thinking of marriage should think twice before she agrees to
marry any man. She should ask herself the question, "Do I want to
be under this man's authority for life?" She should deceive herself
by his superficial handsomeness or scintillating personality. Most girls
do not have the judgment to make this decision early in life. She should
make sure she knows what he is really like. If she says yes to an emotional
child, her life will become intolerable slavery.
Colossians 3:19
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."
God gives both positive and a negative responsibility to the husband in
this verse.
Most people feel their marital problems are due to an exceptional misfortune.
This is error. It is naive but sincere belief by many.
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"Husbands, love your wives "
God never gives leadership the prerogative of authoritarianism. Leadership
is never an excuse for brusque neglect or thoughtlessness. The standard
for leadership in the home is love.
In this passage Paul puts his finger on the primary role of the husband
in marriage. Males are born but men are made. It takes a man to adequately
relate to his wife. Every man is ultimately responsible for what his marriage
becomes. This responsibility revolves around his primary role -- to give
his wife security in his love.
The Greek has three words for love. The first word means to love passionately;
sometimes it means to lust. The second word refers to love of affection;
this is the love of people who connect as people. The third word for love
and the word found in this verse is the love that spends itself for others.
It is a love that gives (Eph. 5:25). The hardest thing to give is -- "in."
Notice that this passage does not say "Make love." Sex is an
important aspect of love. However, it is not the key to marriage. The
key is a love where a husband respects, values, cherishes and honors his
wife.
The Greek tense indicates that this love is to be an ongoing attitude and
action. We love our wives, not until she says or does something we do not
like. God wants us to keep on loving our wives. He wants us to establish
a propensity, a trend, a manner of life, a habit of life of loving her.
The role of the husband is to love his wife to such a degree that she feels
secure in that love. Jesus loved us with a sacrificial love. He was under
no illusions. He saw us for what we were yet he loved us (I John 3:16).
Jesus loved absolutely. His love was without limitation, without condition
and without reserve. Love takes the lover out of himself. Love gives of
his interest, time, pleasures, ambitions and friends.
Often husbands give everything but themselves. We cannot rephrase the hymn
"Take my wife and let her be!!" When we first fell in love we
treated our wives with such respect. We rushed her off her feet. We dated
her; we bought her flowers; we treated her with respect. What has happened
now that you are married for a few years? "Now that the honeymoon
is over, let her shift for herself."
How much should the husband love his wife? Eph 5:25. God wants us to love
our wives like Jesus loves the church -- he died on the cross for the church.
If we do not love our wives enough to die for her we do not love her enough.
PRINCIPLE: The biblical role of the husband is to make the wife feel secure
in his love.
APPLICATION: Do you live with your wife as a business partnership? Is
that marriage to you? Your children will absorb that cold attitude. They
will form their view of marriage from their experience with you. They know
that there is no communication or love between you and your wife.
Invariably when husbands and wives do not love each other they make up for
it through throwing attention upon the children. That will not make up
for the privation in the relationship. Children know the games parents
play.
Make a fuss over your wife. Kiss your wife in front of your children.
Walk down the street holding hands. We need to work at loving our wives.
But we are too busy making a living. We do not court any more. We have
bought and paid for her (and we are still making payments!). If we would
power up some of the systems we used to win her in the first place, it would
make a big difference in our current love for her. We are so self-centered
and selfish that we expect our wives to pay attention to us all the time.
What do we give in return? When we take each other for granted, then love
begins to wither. Withered love is sickly love. It gets increasingly
anemic until it dies.
Dad, your boys are going to be the same kind of husband that you are. They
will treat their wives in a similar way that you do. They will be a chip
off the old block. Begin loving your wife biblically now.
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"and do not be bitter toward them"
Verse 19 expresses the second command negatively. God does not want us
to become cross with our wives. He does not want us to resent them. Our
wives can be handy scapegoats for our frustrations. It is so easy to shrink
from taking responsibility for our own actions. It is easy to blame our
wives, "It's her fault."
The verb "bitter" means to embitter, irritate, or to make bitter.
It comes from a root meaning to cut, prick; hence it comes to mean something
pointed, sharp, pungent to the sense of smell. Then it came to mean painful
to the feelings and bitter to the taste. The verb has the idea of provoked
to the point of anger and bitterness.
This specific negative command is a vulnerability in men. Men have the
tendency, if they are angry about something the wife said or did, to become
hard or overbearing. Love will counter this proclivity to harshness.
The New Testament uses the noun "bitter" literally for a spring
of water that is bitter or brackish to the taste (James 3:11). James 3:14
describes jealousy as bitter. Hebrews 12:15 quotes Dt. 29:17 to show the
harm bitterness can do to the church. Bitterness heads the list of vices
in Ephesians 4:31 and is used in the sense of resentment.
Psalms 64:3 uses the word "bitter" for cruel or biting words.
It is used of the misery of forsaking God (Jer. 2:19) and of a life of
sin (Jer. 4:18).
II Samuel 17:8 uses "bitterness" for the fierceness of disposition.
It is used of the Chaldeans "that bitter and hasty nation" (Hab.
1:6). This nation was ready to take offense and act with impetuous fury
(Compare Judges 18:25). Deutronomy 32:32 uses bitterness of the moral depravity
of the corrupt Canaanites. Isaiah uses this term of the subversion of the
distinction between right and wrong as putting "bitter for sweet, and
sweet for bitter" (5:20).
Bitterness can lurk in our hearts toward our wives. We resent our wives
because they criticize us. They may not respect our thinking or actions.
She may not agree with us on a close and dear subject such as how to discipline
the children. You cannot find an answer and become frustrated. As a result
you become resentful (Eph 4:31; Hebrews 12:15; James 3:14).
PRINCIPLE: The husband's role is to love his wife in a way that is free
from mental attitude sins.
APPLICATION: It is harder to live the Christian life at home than elsewhere.
Husband can be more courteous to other women than his wife. Wives can
give more deference to other men than their husbands. Familiarity breeds
contempt or at least disrespect. We take each other for granted.
How sad that we treat those closest to us with the greatest harshness.
God has not called the husband to dominate the wife. God created Eve out
of Adam's side (Gen. 2:18). God did not take the woman from man's feet
to be trampled upon; nor did he take the woman from his head so that she
might dominate him; he took her from his side to be his partner.
Resentment is a serious handicap in the function of marriage. This will
cause great unhappiness in the wife. Her unhappiness in turn will cause
more unhappiness in the husband. This is two reactions reacting against
each other. There will be misery as long as they live if they do not address
the attitude of bitterness.
Bitterness means resentment. Resentment withdraws and isolates from the
wife.
The reason women criticize and nag is that they do not feel secure in their
husband's love. Womanly perseverance comes to the fore. A man comes home
and makes some seemingly innocent statement and his wife blows up. This
explosion is the symptom and not the cause.
PRINCIPLE: The husband's central role in marriage is to make his wife feel
secure in his love no matter if she is a nag.
APPLICATION: It makes no difference if the wife is a nag. A wife with good
horse sense never becomes a nag! A wife who is a nag is not female at all.
But even if she is a nag, that nagging will never change by bitterness
from her husband. Bitterness adds to the confusion.
Love preempts bitterness. If you have bitterness toward your wife you no
longer love her. You no longer have the capacity for love. Love and bitterness
are mutually exclusive. Either we have mental attitude sins or we love
but not both. We cannot love and be bitter at the same time. If the husband
carries bitterness around in his soul then obviously he does not love his
wife.
A wife is not a slave. She has volition. If she is going to submit it
must be at her volition. Submission is response. If she responds to the
husband with her volition he has something beautiful. He has the goose
that lays the golden egg. If he violates her he loses the goose that lays
the golden egg. If a man has a slave he does not have a wife. All he has
is a big ego which means he has nothing.
The male world is filled with jackasses who think of themselves as God's
gift to their wives and disrespect the volition of their wives. Once the
husband destroys the volition of his wife, she is no longer a human being.
She is nothing but a zombie. That is what some men have at their house
-- nothing! It is amazing how many men are stupid enough to want a zombie
for a wife. Men use the word "submit" for their own inadequacies
and weaknesses.
The Christian home is the outpost of Christianity. God places us in this
environment to represent him her on earth.
Marriage is an institution where a man loses his bachelor's degree without
acquiring a master's degree!
Are you as a husband worthy of a wife's submission? The crux of the whole
problem for men is not "Am I in charge of my family?" but "Am
I in charge of myself?" The most important thing a father can do for
his children is to love their mother. Do you hold tightly the central need
of the wife in your mind which is to feel secure in your love? If she has
that, she will not nag. You will have a happier life.
The husband is responsible for the for the marital climate. The wife needs
to find understanding in her husband. A woman can bear almost any anxiety
if she feels supported by her husband. Your wife has an immense need to
be understood. This is marital fellowship.
Copyright © 1995, Dr. Grant Richison. All rights reserved.
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