Colossians 3:20,21
by Dr. Grant C. Richison
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Colossians 3:20
"Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing
to the Lord."
Chapter three begins in the heavens and ends in the home. It comes right
down to husbands, wives and children. God expects a difference between
a Christian home and a non Christian.
In this verse God introduces us to another principle in the divine institution
of marriage -- obedience of children. All divine institutions need order.
The security of all institutions depends on obedience.
Children have a role in the family. The security of the family depends
in part on the obedience to parental authority.
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"Children, obey your parents"
Obedience means there is a higher authority. Implicit in the word "obey"
is the idea of give attention in order to answer, give ear or heed. This
implies respect for one in authority. Obedience is yielding one's self
and will to authority.
Obedience is a form of guidance. Through it the child learns to adapt behavior
to proper standards. Obedience is the foundation for character. The one
in authority should know what is best to do.
The ultimate design for obedience is the independent maturity in the young
person. All through life we must adjust to people. Other people have rights
that we must consider as well as our own. Prisons and mental health institutions
are filled with people who will not submit to authority. We submit to authority
all of our lives. We submit to the authorities at school, work, government
and military.
Obedience to parents is God's design for order for children. Disobedience
is rebellion (Ex. 21:17; Lev. 20:9). The word "obedience" literally
means to hear under and comes to mean to listen, attend. Here it means
to obey, to obey on the basis of paying attention to the parents. This principle
applies as long as the child is under the roof of the parents. Jesus set
an example of obeying his parents (Luke 2:51).
Parents possess basic authority. This authority has the responsibility
to train children to function on the principles of life and the principles
of the Word of God.
PRINCIPLE: The primary role of the young person is to obey.
APPLICATION: If you are a Christian young person then you have certain
responsibilities before God. It may come as a shock to you that you have
responsibility in the family. Most children think that they have no responsibility
at all. They say, "I didn't ask to be born." That is true.
But now that you are here, why not make the best of it? The world does
not owe us a living. The world can be brutal.
To children, fairness is not the issue. Obedience is the issue. Just because
you have old fogies for parents that does not justify disobedience. Children
are not their own person while under their parents roof.
This is basic authority. The breakdown of the authority of the family will
break down society. Parents are not always right but they are always your
parents. If children resent their parents because they are not easy going,
they are on their way down.
The issue for parents is fairness. For parents, the issue is not to demand
obedience. Nor is the issue winning the love of the child. The love of
children amounts to very little because they have little capacity for love.
Some parents try to buy love from their children. When they do, they get
little in return. Parents cannot buy affection from the child. A child
will resent the parent who makes them eat properly. What difference does
that make? Does the child see the value of eating properly? No. We need
to learn to say "no" and make it stick. The child will love us
in the long run but probably not the short run if we execute discipline.
If we do not do what is right for them, they may not love us, or at least
not respect us, in the short run.
Communication between parents and teens rests on three principles:
o the willingness of the teen to accept a biblical role in
the home.
o the willing of the teen to accept the necessity of the family context
for growing up.
o the necessity of the teen to accept himself with sufficient respect and
understanding.
Disobedient children are the cause of much of the strife and division in
the home. Some teens become very rebellious in their late teens. If they
cannot accept the authority of their parents then they need to hit the road!
When children leave their home then they establish a new home and authority.
Without divine institution there is no freedom. There is no freedom without
principles. To maintain freedom we need law. If there is no traffic light
there is no freedom to drive with safety. Law protects freedom. Children
need to learn respect for authority so that a maximum number of people can
operate in freedom. Respect for authority and property are basic concepts
of life.
The two principles of freedom and authority are not separate. Without authority
of divine institutions there is no freedom. Children mistake exercise of
authority for thwarting of their freedom to do things for themselves.
Parents who gossip and malign authority destroy the principle of authority
to their children. Even if the President does not follow biblical principles,
respect for the office is crucial. This principle carries over in many
phases of life whether it be athletics, education or any form of administration.
They learned the principle of disobedience from their parents.
If children do not respect the authority of the parent, coach or teacher,
then one day the police officer may bring him to the door. The parent has
not taught the principle of authority.
Children who attend church must learn to respect the authority of the church.
If the parents gossip and malign those in authority, then how can they
expect their children to do differently?
The first chapter of Romans sets before us the devolution of mankind. One
characteristic of this devolution is disobedience to parents, " 29being
filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness,
maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they
are whisperers, 30backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors
of evil things, disobedient to parents" (Romans 1:29,30).
II Timothy 3:1,2 warns that a characteristic of the last days is disobedience
to parents, " 1But know this, that in the last days perilous times
will come: 2For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters,
proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy."
Authority gives the child something to stand upon. It gives him security.
The parent cannot yield to the authority of the child. Much authority
has shifted in our generation to children who do not have the maturity to
make sound judgment. That is why so many children are insecure.
PRINCIPLE: Disobedience violates divine institutions.
APPLICATION: There are children who assume superiority over their parents.
They flaunt independence from their parents. Unregulated lives can lead
to destructive behavior patterns.
No where does it say in the Bible, "Obey if the parents comply with
the children's plans." Children must submit to the policies of the
parents if they operate under the divine institution of the family properly.
In every young person's heart is a spirit of rebellion. We are born that
way. We are born with an anarchistic spirit. We want to reign on the throne.
"I will do what I please and the devil take the hindmost. No one
is going to tell me what to do."
If we do not learn how to submit to authority when we are young, then big
trouble lies ahead. If we do not obey our parents then we will not obey
the coach. We will not be a team player. If we do not obey our parents
we will not obey the law or law enforcement authorities.
It is natural for us to disobey authority because we want our own way.
We want to be our own God. No one likes authority. Today people hate authority.
Much music of our day express the value of independence and freedom.
If you want security and order in your life, obey your parents.
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"in all things"
There is no exception to obedience to the parents -- "in all things."
The Greek implies that this means "according to the standard of all
things." Obedience to the standards (policies) of the parent should
be without exception. God expects total obedience.
PRINCIPLE: God expects total obedience to the parent.
APPLICATION: Partial obedience does not please God for it leaves margin
for us to do own thing. God wants all loopholes plugged.
It is easy to obey parents when the demand is agreeable to our desires and
it is convenient for us. What if Jesus obeyed the Father in all things
except the cross? Our sins would not have been forgiven.
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"for this is well pleasing to the Lord"
Obedience is the key to a young person's relationship to the Lord. If a
young person disobeys his parents, he will experience a deep discontent
for he will break his relationship with the Lord.
God marks obedient young people with special approbation or favor. Obedience
within the divine institution of the family pleases the Lord. In Ephesians
6:1 God calls obedience to parents "proper," "just"
or "right."
Ephesians 6:2 adds that it is not enough that children obey their parents
but that they honor them. Children must esteem their parents if they please
God. This is the first commandment with promise (Eph. 6:2), that is, it
will be well with children and they will live long on the earth. This is
the fifth of the ten commandments.
Obedience to parents is commendable to the Lord. The child should not worry
about justice or injustice or malpractice. The child should do this as
unto the Lord.
The words "well pleasing" is translated "acceptable"
in Romans 12:1 " 1I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies
of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable
to God, which is your reasonable service." This word is also found
in Hebrews 13:21 " 21make you complete in every good work to do His
will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ,
to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen." If you really want to please
the Lord, obey your parents. This is one of the few places in Scripture
that the Bible states something as pleasing the Lord.
One reason obedience pleases the Lord is that parental authority gives security
to the child. If a child does as he likes, there is no security in that.
If a child does as he ought, that brings the security he needs. We are
free from disease when we obey the laws of health. We cannot expect mental
health if we violate the laws of mental hygiene. Authority serves the young
person's best interests. Mastery of self is possible only through yielding
to authority.
Children should grow progressively out from under the absolute authority
of the parents if the home is healthy. As a baby, the child should be under
the absolute authority of the parent because the child has no capacity for
decision making. As the child gains some understanding of the laws of life,
the parent gives away some authority. Later as the child learns to independently
apply these laws as managed by himself the parent gives more authority to
the young person.
Parents who are healthy welcome the use of healthy authority in the young
person. Eventually the young person may develop his own authority (by character)
in a number of areas of his life. The older a young person becomes the
more independence he should have if all things are equal.
PRINCIPLE: Obedience to parents is a commendable ideal to God.
APPLICATION: Do you want the special favor of God? Obey your parents.
Colossians 3:21
"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."
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"Fathers, do not provoke your children"
"Fathers" in this context means parents.
The word "provoke" means to exasperate, to become disheartened
and hence lack motivation, to become discouraged, to be disheartened. Parents
are not to exasperate their children. "Provoke" carries the idea
of bitter, irritate. Ephesians used a different Greek word meaning exasperate
(Eph. 6:4).
Parents can provoke their children by perpetual censure or fretful anger.
They may nag their children about inconsequential things. They rub them
the wrong way.
Parents possess authority in their role. God does not want them to exercise
uncontrolled authority. Sever discipline makes children bitter and exasperates
their personhood. Poor judgment in the exercise of authority hinders the
development of their children.
This does not mean that the parent is never to do anything that might irritate
their children. Discipline often irritates children. The word "irritate"
is in the continuous tense in the Greek. "Do not keep on irritating
your children." If parents nag their children it will dampen their
spirits.
PRINCIPLE: If parents irritate their children they will demotivate them;
if they commend them they will encourage and strengthen them.
APPLICATION: Here are some principles that may help parents avoid exasperating
their children:
Too little discipline causes exasperation.
o Unannounced rules make known after the child breaks them
causes exasperation.
o exasperation is caused by too many rules; a rule should be followed through
the stated punishment
o rules should be clearly stated; rules should not come out of disaster
o under discipline is caused by divided authority
o under discipline creates frustration resulting in yelling and other false
systems of correction
Too much discipline causes frustration as well. Some Christians over react
to the permissiveness of society and flaunt authority to their children.
Unfair punishment causes exasperation. When a parent fails to distinguish
what a child must learn on his own and what must be enforced as a rule,
the parent will punish the child capriciously.
Withdrawal of affection causes exasperation in the child. There must be
a balance between discipline and love. All discipline should be done in
love and not out of personal injury. Discipline is not the same as punishment.
Discipline seeks the welfare of the child in correction.
Sentimentality, not love, withholds discipline. If we do not believe in
discipline we do not believe in standards and judgment.
Discipline strengthens the moral bonds between parent and child. Sentimentality
thinks that fear and love cannot coexist together (Dt. 6:4,5,13).
5. Parents must not simply threaten as a way of discipline.
o Discipline should be an event. This ends scolding, nagging
and swatting.
o Discipline brings a spirit of authority to the home.
o Discipline maintains an atmosphere of stability in the home.
o Discipline should be reserved for disobedience, not discord. Rebellion
to authority is the issue.
6. After discipline, express forgiveness to the child.
Obedience has to do with outlook.
Parents are to encourage their children. Ephesians warns against discouraging
our children. Discouragement means to lose heart. It is important to give
the child a sense of belonging, worth and confidence. They need to understand
their needs and fears. Children need supervision and help.
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"lest they become discouraged"
The word "discouraged" means to become disheartened and hence
lack motivation. This is the only occurrence of this word in the New Testament.
One of the reasons for rebellion in some teenagers is that they are discouraged
by most of things they have done in life. They have not had much encouragement
from their parents.
God wants us to encourage our children. He wants us to praise them for
what they do right. Constant criticism will discourage them. They may
become disheartened in their attempts to please their parents.
There are two ways to ruin children in a hurry.
1. Some parents make children feel guilty for something they are not doing.
That is no way to get your way in anything much less with our children.
This tampers with the soul of the child. Instead of operating on proper
norms for life, children will operate on guilt feelings. These children
will grow up with guilt complexes. It is important to control children
without making them feel guilty.
2. Other parents nag their children for just about everything. They will
nag about any little thing...nag, nag, nag. When a big issue comes the
child will not hear the parent because he is dulled by constant nagging.
When the big issue comes the parent has to shout so loud the child cannot
hear them. This is especially true with teenagers. "Comb your hair
Susie! Comb..." When the big issue comes she will not hear her parent.
It is the same old stuff. She will not pay her parent any attention.
Some parents are natural born naggers. They lose all effectiveness in parenting.
PRINCIPLE: God's primary role for the parent is to encourage their children.
APPLICATION: Parents, are you encouraging your children?
If parents sit around and have roast preacher for supper, children will
understand the parents view of the church. We wonder why children do not
respect the pastor or the church. All they ever hear about the church is
what is wrong with the church. When they get old enough they will not want
to become involved with an outfit like that. They see the hypocrisy of
the parents because they have listened to the criticism of the parent for
so long. Their parents criticized the board, the staff and the music program.
Children absorb this. They grow cynical of the church. Then they drop
out.
All the weeping in the world will not change it. By the time our children
reach their teens there is little we can say to bring them back. If you
still have little ones around, be careful how you criticize God's servants
and God's church. Those little ears are listening. We put a great deal
of time in those little lives. To have them grow up and reject Christianity,
how ironic! If they go on to reject Christ, marry an unbeliever, we will
look back and say, "Was it worth it to criticize the cause of Christ?"
Copyright © 1995, Dr. Grant Richison. All rights reserved.
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